Grief.

*I would like to preface this post by saying by no means do I think I am an expert on this topic. I simply wanted to put my thoughts down to help myself process my own feelings. If this helps anyone else or anyone reading can relate that is a bonus, but this merely reflects my own experiences and opinions.*

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I recently lost my Grandma. Whilst she was an admirable 90 years old, house-bound and a sufferer of dementia, it was still a shock. In the passing days I found many people's first reaction was to tell me , "but it wasn't unexpected". Whilst I appreciate this comment coming from a place of love and want to comfort, I didn't find it helpful. No matter how much you know it will happen, nothing can prepare you for its occurrence. Even though my Grandma was old, I viewed her as the ever present matriarch of my family, sitting in her armchair and contentedly watching the world go by. Whether she actively involved herself in a discussion or not, in my head, it didn't matter, she was always there. I was not prepared to envisage her as anything but, regardless of her age, mental state or asseritveness.

As a society we avoid thinking about death. Only when a person is told they have weeks to live are we forced to explicitly face the idea, and even then this is nothing but difficult. How are you meant to spend your limited time together in a meaningful way? I don't think you can ever fully prepare yourself for the effect grief will have. Even if you think you are coping, you can suddenly find yourself crying over a picture, or unknowingly immersed in a memory, ultimately disengaged from the present. There is no rule as to how you should react to someone passing away and you can never predict how you will be impacted. Even if you were not too close to them, watching the repercussions a death has on your friend, sibling or parent is enough to scramble your mind. I personally felt awkward even telling people that I may not be completely engaged in my work or up for socialising due to a family death, as I didn't want to make others uncomfortable. Upon reflection this is ridiculous. Bereavement is sadly an inevitable part of life, so why are we so bad at talking about it? I almost felt bad using it to excuse lack of work or energy, when in reality this is the time that I should feel comfortable excusing myself. 

In the last week I have found myself existing in what I can only describe as a dream state. After a point you are forced to continue living as before. The world around you continues, only you feel a gut instinct that something is wrong, but this must be concealed. Sometimes, it's hard to understand how everyone else is just carrying on when it feels like your perception of the world is now skewed. Conversely, once we carry on with our lives it is hard not to feel guilty that we are behaving normally. There is an innate want to stay focused in the past, remembering good times you've had with that person. Whilst this is important, there comes a point where you must engage with the present, as getting stuck in the past becomes destructive. Eventually, the best way to honour a life lost is to ensure you live yours in a way that that person would be proud of, and not take life itself for granted. However, because of this I also found myself plunged into an existential crisis. Questioning the point of what I'm doing with my life; whether it's important, making a positive impact or helping me reach my potential. The reality of the limited time we have and how to make the most of it becomes an unavoidable concept.

If you take anything from this post it's that there is no right way to feel. Personally, I have come to accept that over-thinking, analysing and questioning are seemingly normal side effects accompanying the sadness felt. For whatever reason you suddenly view your life under a microscope. Such thoughts can become overwhelming, therefore, I think the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your loved ones. Be selfish. Remind yourself of what you are thankful for. Think on a smaller scale, working on a day-by-day basis, until you can clearly look at your life on a bigger scale (if you still feel the need to), without the emotional bias. The one 'positive' outcome of losing a loved one is the clarity it gives you for the appreciation and love you have towards your nearest and dearest. I don't care how cheesy this sounds, but more than ever I feel overwhelmed by the love and support I am lucky enough to have from those around me.

I can only hope to feel I have fulfilled my life enough to spend my final years happily surrounded by my loved ones, telling them stories of my adventures, with a gin and tonic in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. Kwa Heri Grandma. x