Irrele-rant: Useless Talents and uninteresting interests

Who knew such an easy question could prompt an existential crisis?

There I was on Thursday, sitting in a job interview. The manager opened with a classic: "So, tell us a bit about yourself." Ah cool, a question to ease me in, I thought. I mean this is a question I can't get wrong. "Hello, I'm a 19 year old student doing Psychology at the Uni", I said fairly confidently. But then she stared at me blankly and said "Ok, but tell us a bit about yourself, what do you do, what are your hobbies and interests?". I'm sorry what? I just told you about myself, now ask me what 3 things I'd bring to the workplace not this personal crap. This was when I realised there is literally nothing else worth noting about myself other than my degree. 

The last time I think I could confidently answer such a question was when I was 9 trying for school council. I remember my manifesto went something like: "Hi my names Mazza and my hobbies include reading, netball, drama, dancing, writing stories, scootering, creating a cure for cancer and baking, and I plan to make the dinner ladies serve free sweets, so vote for me". Ultimately, when you're 9 life is a lot simpler and you don't care what other people think, so you do millions of activities whether you're good at them or not. Nowadays, I feel like I can't join a club, society etc. unless I've been semi-professional for a good ten years. If anything that's because I'll judge my sh*ttiness more than anyone else. To be fair, I nearly signed up for pottery classes, until I imagined myself accidentally creating some sort of phallic vase or breaking someone's special mug, so that dream was quickly cancelled. The things I actually 'do' are not really hobbies nor interesting. I couldn't exactly have said "Hello, I'm 19 I like napping, finding out which egg I am on Buzzfeed and forcing my friends to watch things I find funny".

Of course you're wondering so I thought I'd share  that I am of course a poached egg. However this is clearly wrong, I'm scrambled at best.

In the end, I panicked and said I write articles for my Uni paper?! I've literally written 3 - and one was a review of a Facebook page which posts photos of other people's pets (Brispets)- riveting stuff.

Upon reflection, I've decided this question would have been easier to answer if I had a talent that could define me as a person.  No flex, but I have tons of useless talents. For example, I can make a weird owl noise (see video), vibrate my eyes and nail the rap to American Boy (even when I'm drunk, just saying)- but none of these have led me to do anything remotely interesting. 

I just wish I had a tangible talent to fall back on. I feel like if you were born a good singer as a kid, you went to school choirs, and did musical productions then regional choirs and so on, and then by the time you're at Uni and asked what defines you outside your degree, you have loads of singing-related things. Or, if, unlike me, you were a sporty kid and your parents had you doing like 10 clubs a day, you probably continued sport in someway into adulthood, and therefore this still makes up a significant part of your life. My mum is in her 50s and her hockey team won the national over 45s Hockey tournament last year (I'm pretty sure I was adopted), and this would be the first thing she'd talk about if asked about herself. Meanwhile, I sadly don't think there are many groups or opportunities for people to nurture their talent of an average Australian accent. 

I do appreciate that you don't need to have a natural talent to pursue such things, but this brings forward another issue - I don't know how to have a hobby anymore. The only thing I do on a consistent basis is binge watch Youtube and Netflix, and that's hardly a hireable trait. The only other way to explain your 'essence' to an employer would be to list personality traits. However, no normal, self-respecting (British) person is going to start saying "I'm kind, funny, a good friend and I believe we should all do one thing to help someone else each day", because ultimately you come across like a tw*t. I blame school for drilling it into my head that I need to use evidence to back up a point, therefore the only way to prove myself as a decent person is to give examples of things I actually do. However, this means these things must reflect well on me and be interesting in order to make an employer interested in me *and breathe*.

This brings me to my next issue. Interests. We're all interested in things, but most of these interests don't guide our lives. For example, I'm interested in documentaries. However, I don't actively go and join religious groups to see if they're brain washing their members. I think asking someone what their interests are is code for, 'tell us a productive way you spend your time' i.e. volunteering or photography. A common answer to this which winds me right up is travelling. I feel like the amount of tinder bios, instagram posts and CVs that list 'travelling' as an interest, is more than people who voted in Brexit. To me, stating 'travelling' as one of your interests is one of the most obnoxious things I can think of. I mean no sh*t you're interested in travel. You and nearly everyone else on earth mate. Everyone wants to travel, it's just some of us don't have enough money to gallivant around the world enough for it to qualify as a hobby or interest. I know I'm being harsh but to me if you seriously list travelling as an interest I instantly assume 1) Mummy and daddy fund my drug habit and think the sun shines out my lazy a*se 2) I've actually never left the town I grew up in so I'm genuinely interested in travelling somewhere outside that 20 mile radius (fair) 3) I'm trying to sound more interesting than I am.

Anyway, to once again make something productive from a rant I've come up with a definitive list of employer-friendly hobbies to say if ever asked this frankly rude and invasive question again. I've also added what they suggest about you to a potential boss so take your pick from whatever you think they're looking for. Unless of course you actually have a life in which case why are you still reading?:

1) Yoga. Namasté, I'm a calm bean and a bit of a pushover, so a perfect employee especially if you need anything involving use of my core.
2) Cycling. Sup, I like exercise but am also eco-friendly and like being outdoors because I'm a down to earth person who doesn't need to be trapped in capitalist gym schemes. I'm probably a pescatarian at least.
3) Volunteering. I might be Jesus reincarnated and I live to help people. I won't realise if you underpay me. I'll organise banging fundraisers which boost your public image.
4) Photography, art etc. Wow I'm super sensitive, empathetic and always see the best in people. Yes I can help with your company's instagram because I'm probably millennial-level-woke. I can also spout facts to make you feel constantly guilty, because did you know there are 300,000 homeless people in the UK alone?!
5) Playing musical instruments. I probably only want this job as a side gig to pay for my recording equipment, but at least I'll be fun to keep the team entertained at a Christmas party. I listen to records and definitely don't listen to the top 40 because that represents the death of the music industry.
6) Baking or cooking. Um hire me I'll bring cake or some magical vegan, gluten free, fun free fake noodle dish. Good at taking instructions, easy to buy secret santa gifts for.
7) Performing Arts. I probably can't do overtime cos learning lines for a Shakespeare play is tricky, but I'm 10/10 skilled at pretending to be interested in you, your customers and the entire company. I can help you lie to anyone you need. Wow love that shirt.
8) Politics. Don't hire me.
9) Sports. I'm a team player and probably annoyingly enthusiastic. Fundraising to go to Tokyo 2020, still not over Bolt losing his last ever professional race.

You're welcome.